But aren’t I supposed to be the one setting the perfect example of how to do it right – all the time? Aren’t I supposed to walk my talk every moment of every day?

That’s what I used to think. That is the “lie” that I still uncover at the source of my exhaustion when I catch myself yet again trying to be perfect – to hold myself to a standard higher than is humanly possible. It has taken me years to come to terms with the fact that this is actually what makes me good at what I do as a coach, trainer and consultant. The books I have read, the courses I have taken, and the experience on my resumé have certainly contributed to my expertise, but the real learning has come from my own struggles to apply this “book learning” into the real world – starting with my own.

The truth that I can see in my moments of sanity is that, just as a child learns to walk or talk by getting it wrong in a thousand different ways before they finally get it right, I cannot learn to “walk my talk” without giving myself permission to fail at it – repeatedly. I watched my son struggle single-mindedly for months, falling incessantly and getting more than a few bumps before learning to walk at 10 months. Now at 17 months, each day brings new excitement as we try to figure out which words the sounds he is experimenting with are intended to be. His insistent whining demonstrates his frustration that we don’t always understand him, but this doesn’t stop him from continuing to try. On the contrary, it only seems to increase his resolve to communicate.

It makes me wonder at what point we lose the innate sense of capability and potential we are born with as children and become the “grown ups” who see failure, mistakes, and not getting it right the first time as valid reasons to stop trying.

Talking with my coach last night I recognized that, up until about 10 years ago, my child-like naiveté that I could do anything I wanted if I just kept trying was relatively intact. Then, in the first three years after returning home from living in Japan, I experienced a fall from grace. I met with financial hardship, loneliness, and, after investing a huge amount of time, energy and passion in a business partnership with a close friend, the devastating pain of betrayal and the end of that relationship. It wasn’t until last night that I realized how profoundly I had allowed this experience to change me. Despite my deep passion and need for collaboration and partnership, since that failed partnership experience I have shied away from allowing myself this experience in a deep way on either a business or personal level even with my husband.

As this realization sinks in, I find myself asking, “What would my son do?” He has just learned to climb up on the kitchen chairs by himself. Yesterday I saw him looking at the table, strategizing how to get on top of that as well. I fear that it is only a matter of time before he takes advantage of a moment when my back is turned to make his move. What if he gets up there and falls? Surely it will be painful, but will it stop him from trying again? Experience tells me that it won’t. Just six weeks ago he figured out how to climb out of his crib and was rewarded with a substantial bump on the head. Of course we lowered his crib so that he has not yet been able to duplicate the feat, but I regularly catch him trying to get his leg up over the bars to repeat his accomplishment.

As we get older and master more skills, it only makes sense that we will take on bigger and bigger challenges. Like my son, the higher we attempt to climb the greater the pain if we fall. For many, like myself, the memory of a really painful fall makes us shy away from the edge – but at what cost? Last night I began to get a glimmer of the true cost of my choice to “play it safe”  after my own painful falls on my journey to climb to higher levels. It has impacted my energy, my authenticity, my self-expression, my integrity, my financial stability, my relationships and even my health. The person I was before “the fall” ran her life on the belief that fear and passion were two sides of the same coin and that in going in the direction of my greatest fear, I would find opportunities to express my passions in the most fulfilling and lucrative ways. The results in my life and, more importantly, my joy in the process of getting there, validated this belief. The person after “the fall”, runs around wasting tons of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical energy trying to figure out how to make sure she won’t fall before she will even attempt to climb again. As I write this I recognize that, rather than ensuring success when I do make my next attempt, I am defeating myself before I start precisely because I am not starting at all!

So as I look back at those pesky new years resolutions I can see that I have not been giving them my full effort. I have not really committed to them for fear of failure. But I have a choice to change that. I can and I am giving myself permission to keep failing and to be just as “naively” excited about trying the next time as I was the first. I am going to practice being more child-like – more attached to the excitement and sense of possibility of mastering a new skill than I am to the discomfort of failing, however many times and however painfully I need to fail to get there. Rather than allowing my fear of failure to prevent me from trying again, I am going to accept that failure is part of learning. Like my son analyzes the results of each failed attempt at vocalizing a word, adjusts it slightly, and fails better the next time, I am going to stop expecting myself to succeed at each successive attempt and instead only ask that I “fail better” than I did the last time – that I learn something that moves me forward.

I will keep you posted on my journey of “failing better” and staying excited about it and would love to hear about all of your amazing failures as you work towards making the shifts you desire in your life and work for 2010.

The time has come to unshackle myself from the past. My fears of being misunderstood, of being seen as flaky, of having to struggle to get my message out – these are all in the past. What’s more, I can now see that these challenges were rooted in others’ limitations, not in my own. They could not or did not want to hear my message. “Getting it” would have meant reframing their universe and transforming profoundly their ways of being, doing and having in the world. Those who are ready, willing and eager to be transformed are thirsting for messages and living models of having the courage to be personal, spiritual and fully authentic – the only true source of lasting personal, business and planetary sustainability. It is time to stop being “secretly me” and to begin sharing my work – both the work I do at a personal level and the work I do with businesses – on a wider scale.

It occurs to me that perhaps an even more important question to ask myself is how ready, willing, able and eager I am to be transformed by my own work. What is stopping me from fully engaging in my own work to profoundly shift my ways of doing, being and having in the world?

There are two pieces.

One is my fear of being misunderstood. The other is the reality that I am far from being a perfect example of practicing the principles of kyosei and life-work integrity™ that I teach. These two fears work together most obviously in my writing to block me. My fear of being misunderstood fuels my drive for perfection in my writing. This drive for perfection saps my energy as I scramble to try to figure out how to do it right the first time. It stops me from releasing my message out into the world. (Case in point – the three books I have in the wings – 75% written but languishing in electronic purgatory while I attempt to “figure out” the best way to position them in the market.) If I can release my fear of being misunderstood, I can let go of the need for perfection, thus freeing up enormous reservoirs of energy and passion that I have buried in trying to figure out how to get it right.

Of course this is all tied into the need to strive for achievement, recognition, power and status that is the dominant modus operandi of our society. Because we are so ingrained with this belief that more and faster is better, we live in a constant state of not enough (or not good enough) despite the abundance that surrounds us and, in reality, is threatening to bury us. I know from experience that when I manage to step out of this dominant ethic that drives me to push myself to do more, be more and have more I am more at peace. I begin to allow myself the time to re-connect with myself, with nature, and with the wisdom of the universe that is wanting to flow through me to heal people, business and the planet. I let go of my belief that this work is something I “must” do, and open up to it as something that is being done through me. Not only does this drive productivity (as it makes it easier to step into the flow of actions and priorities in each and every moment), it creates more of the results I was seeking (power, recognition, achievement and yes, money) without all the negative side effects.

So, fellow travellers on the path to fostering lifestyles and businesses that offer sustainable health, vitality and prosperity for all, henceforth you shall find on my blog a more balanced mix of my personal/spiritual musings posted alongside the more “professional” ones. I look forward with curiosity to witness the results in my life and my business of no longer being “secretly me”.

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about the above, and would especially like to hear any success stories (and challenges!) you have had regarding your own journey of expressing your authentic self in your life and work.

With roots in ecology, the literal translation of the word involves two Japanese characters, kyo which means working together and sei which means life – taken together their most literal interpretation is cooperative living or symbiosis. With such energy at it’s root, it is no surprise that much of the most fruitful thinking of how to practice kyosei today revolves around mimicking natural systems in manufacturing, design and other aspects of business.

The twentieth century saw the word begin to be applied to the business environment – most notably by Ryuzaburo Kaku, Chairman of Canon Inc. His goal was to foster the understanding that long-term business success can only be founded upon a respect for the interconnectedness any business has with people, communities and the environment. Kaku defined kyosei as a “spirit of cooperation” in which individuals and organizations live and work together for the common good.

The incorporation of the principles of kyosei into mainstream corporate thought in Japan, however, goes back four hundred years. The earliest thoughts can be found in a document known as the shuchu kiyaku which is rooted in Confucian philosophy. The core tenets of Confucian philosophy underpinning the practice of kyosei are not the exclusive domain of Asian philosophers by a long stretch – to the contrary, they would be considered by many to be universal foundations of common sense and morality. These include such principles as:

• A belief in the principle of reciprocity and abiding by the golden rule of treating others as you would like to be treated.
• An understanding of our fundamental interconnectedness and the fact that our actions have an impact both in local (visible) and far-reaching (invisible) ways.
• Valuing the “middle path”. This may take the form of practicing moderation in personal habits as well as taking only calculated risks in business. It also includes the need to find a healthy balance between self-interest and altruism. As of course, either one (taken to extremes) can be a source of harm.
• Valuing character and virtue of the individual and the organization more highly than personal gain or corporate profits. This principle, unfortunately, seems to be the most challenging to practice as the immediate payoff of the latter is far more tempting than the subtle long-term satisfaction of the former.
• The importance of constant learning and growth - what in Japanese is referred to as Kaizen.
• A preference for simplicity. This preference is linked to a belief that the elegance of simplicity is more likely to bring us into harmony with others and the planet.

In upcoming posts, I will continue on the topic of kyosei with a more detailed look at why it is an idea whose time as come and the stages that individuals and companies go through in building their capacity to fully practice kyosei.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the term, swaddling involves using a square blanket and some specific folding techniques to wrap your child in a nice snug blanket cocoon. The power of this technique to soothe babies and help them sleep longer lies in two simple facts: 1) It simulates the cozy, if restricted environment they were so used to living in for nine months in the womb. This familiarity is comforting to them. 2) It prevents them from flailing around and hitting or scaring themselves. Infants don’t have control over their appendages, nor do they even really recognize that those things flailing around and, at times, whacking them in the face even belong to them. Swaddling prevents the unexpected appearance of said appendages by keeping them snugly tucked in near the infant’s body.)

In one of the first weeks after my discovery of swaddling, I was spouting off about my discovery of this miracle tool at my regular writer’s group meeting and the joy of having eight hour of sleep in a row. As I spoke, the eyes of Carrie Gallant, a fellow writer and a specialist in the art of negotiation for women, lit up with a laugh.

“That is amazing,” she commented, “On the drive here today I was just thinking about swaddling and how that is what I need to keep me focused on key areas I need to build my business and keep me from flailing around trying to do so many different things.”

A lively discussion about swaddling as a metaphor for the value of coaching and for the kind of support necessary for success ensued. Here are the main points:

We are like babies. When faced with change, whether internally imposed by our attempt to learn and grow or externally imposed by a change in our environment/circumstances we flail around a lot, fall down, and generally spend more time getting it wrong than getting it right. This is scary, frustrating and exhausting. We don’t understand that the appendage that keeps hitting us in the face actually belongs to us. Having a mentor or coach helps to gently restrain us from hurting ourselves. It wraps us in a cocoon of confidence from the assurance of someone else’s experience so that we can relax and rest awhile before getting back to the inevitable work of growing.

Just like our son, Zen, most people rebel against swaddling at first. Free choice is part of the gift of being human, so it is natural to dislike being given limits. Yet it is precisely by creating boundaries for ourselves, setting limits, and enforcing deadlines that we also create freedom – the freedom that comes from following something through to completion.

Andrea Jacques

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First, the bad stuff. Depression and stress disorders represent the fastest growing category of disability claims. They currently account for more than $9 billion in disability claims, or 30 percent of the estimated $30 billion that disabilities and presenteeism (the problem of employees being at work but not fully functioning) cost Canada’s economy each year (as reported by the BC Business and Economic Round table on Mental Health).

One of the most disturbing things about this increasing trend toward depression, stress and other mental-health related disabilities in the workplace is the fact that, while 80 to 90 percent of people with these disorders can be treated successfully, only one third of them actually seek help.

So what does all of this have to do with networking?

This month I attended the Canadian Mental Health Association’s annual conference on mental health in the workplace where one of the most inspiring and empowering speakers was a tiny, dark-haired, passionate woman in her 50s, Sandy Naiman.

An accomplished journalist, broadcaster, teacher, mental-health advocate and public speaker, Sandy has also struggled with mental illness since she was 12-years old – a journey that has included 20 hospitalizations and four different diagnoses. As I listened to Sandy’s stories, it dawned on me that what had allowed her to create such a successful career, despite a serious mental illness, was her ability to cultivate her network.

The secret to Sandy’s success, however, is the exact opposite of what most people are taught to do when building their network. Sandy was fortunate to have a mother who both encouraged her to discuss her illness openly and not to see it as a defining factor in who she was and what she was capable of.

Sandy became equally comfortable describing both her limitations and her strengths. When she wanted to attend journalism school, for example, she walked into the office of the chairman of Ryerson University’s journalism program, sat down and explained to him that she had a serious mental illness, but that she very much wanted to be in the program. After listening to her story, he admitted her on the spot and later was instrumental in paving the way for her to work at the Toronto Sun.

We can all take a lesson from this when building our personal and business integrity, as well as strengthening our networks. In this day and age, where customers and employers are becoming increasingly suspicious of anything that sounds too good to be true, being honest and open about limitations builds trust.

I believe that it was Sandy’s acknowledgment of her weaknesses that helped to lay the foundation for her confidence in her strengths. In presenting herself as a whole person, rather than hiding her weaknesses, she learned that she was useful and valued just as she was.

The lesson for networking is this: building a strong network that will help you and your business to thrive is not only about promoting your strengths. In today’s economy it can also hinge on your willingness to be vulnerable. Vulnerability builds trust, the key to solid relationships in all areas of life and work – and to high-performing organizations.

This kind of authenticity also builds my confidence and trust in yourself. Seeing that others, with all of their imperfections, have succeeded, provides confidence that you can too.

If we would all have the courage to begin building our networks by presenting ourselves as whole people, with both strengths and weaknesses, it would go a long way to stem the rising tide of stress, depression and mental health issues in the workplace.

Leadership participants were given a list of statements and asked to choose which ones excited or inspired them. Interestingly, many said they were inspired until they saw the organization the statement belonged to. One example was an international company whose purpose was “to give unlimited opportunity to women.” That statement was questioned because it came from a cosmetics manufacturer and the group perceived the beauty industry to run counter to creating better lives for women.

Clearly there is a large gap in many companies between their asserted brand promise and its actual fulfillment. But where does this begin and who is to blame? Is it the ad agencies pushing hype beyond true promise? Is it the company itself, ‘over-visioning’ and under-delivering? Or is it emblematic of a society overwhelmed by constant big company marketing bombardment? Do these messages mean anything anymore?

An abundance of marketing data has given companies the ability to become very sophisticated in hitting the hot buttons that entice customers to buy, yet these techniques backfire dramatically when the product or service doesn’t live up to the claims. Just as broken promises have led customers to become increasingly cynical about “marketing hype,” the disconnect between the claims organizations make to their own employees about being an “employer of choice,” and the degree to which these claims are actually fulfilled, is leading to increasing employee cynicism and turnover.

An example of this is the recent trend to tout “work-life balance” as a key value and principle. While I can think of several organizations that make this claim, few deliver as much as they promise. In one instance working with a client, I had to applaud the courage of one new employee in the HR department who stated she felt her department was one of the worst offenders in terms of not delivering on the work-life balance promise.

Marketing is conventionally thought of as being about building a brand and selling products to customers, but this view of marketing is incomplete. Marketing is about building trust both internally and externally.

As with building trust in real life, it is more a result of what you do than what you say. It is about integrity. Building trust with customers begins and ends with internal marketing – that is, the degree to which an organization not only communicates, but delivers on its “employee promise.” When a company makes false claims about a product or service or does not deliver on the promises it makes, then customers lose faith in the product and eventually the company. When employees experience this same loss of faith as a result of broken promises, a business is doomed. Employees who see that the organization does not value promise-keeping will be less inclined to worry about keeping promises themselves – both to customers and to the company.

A final thought, as purpose, mission and values statements are meant to be aspirational and call the organization to higher ground, no organization is ever perfect on delivering these promises. Fortunately, perfection is not required – just constant and authentic intent.

Take this leadership challenge:

Do you know what your organization’s promise is to your employees? If you can’t readily list the purpose, mission, and values of your organization, chances are high that you are not delivering on them as well as you could. What’s more, if you can’t list at least three regular practices, systems, or habits that demonstrate on a daily basis how these are being lived in your organization, there is plenty of room for growth.

Andrea Jacques – kyoseigirl

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Now I may be too much of a Type- A personality, but “balance” has never been something that excited me, so this trend led me to investigate this topic and eventually to begin writing my forthcoming book, Beyond Balance. The book will examine why balance, while part of the solution, is also a barrier to creating healthier individuals and organizations.

To begin my research, I reflected on my own life and recognized the times I had felt a longing for more balance were not the times I was busiest, but rather the times I was feeling out of sync with my authentic self, my natural style, my strengths, and my vision for my life. When I was aligned with these things, the hard work was energizing and time for family, friends and self all seemed to fit somehow into the flow. This personal experience suggested to me that something might be missing in typical work-life balance programs that focus on efficiency, time management, stress management, fitness programs and support to alleviate caregiver strain.

When I looked at the actual definitions of balance, I discovered the root of my misgivings. Balance is defined as “a state of equilibrium.” It is easy to see why this would be desirable in a time where change is both rapid and seemingly out of our control in our lives and work. But take the definition one step further, and you find equilibrium defined as “a condition in which all acting influences are canceled by others, resulting in a stable, balanced or unchanging system.” This would be great if we had already achieved an idyllic state, but in Canada fully 86 percent of employees report moderate to high levels of work-life conflict. An “unchanging system” in regard this condition is the last thing people want.

I explored further by sending surveys to several hundred people asking what balance meant to them. Not one person mentioned the words stability or equilibrium. They all spoke about wanting more: more fulfillment, more happiness, more time, better relationships, more fun, more meaning. For them, balance was not about keeping things the same. They wanted things to be different, to be better.

The definition of equilibrium also explains why balance is an ongoing struggle and our efforts to improve often cancel each other out. I would go one step further, in fact, to suggest that each individual (and every organization for that matter) is already balanced. Oddly, it was my orthodontist who inadvertently brought this point to my attention. On my initial visit he offered these profound words, “Your teeth are in perfect balance exactly as they are right now. Although you may not like the way they are, they have established a stable equilibrium.”

So the 30 extra pounds you carry around balances the emotions that you are eating to suppress. The six cups of coffee each day balance the lack of sleep you get. Working long hours helps you to avoid having to deal with issues with your children or spouse.

In order to truly thrive, however, people and organizations must find a way to integrate these two seemingly conflicting urges: one toward stability and one toward growth. In order to thrive, we need models that help build foundations for equilibrium by enhancing our ability to initiate change. Rather than struggling to maintain balance, both people and organizations need to learn to step beyond balance and its fear and survival mentality to set their sights on thriving.

Three Keys to Shifting the Balance and Inspiring Innovation

To thrive, people and organizations must learn to shift the status quo and find new ways of doing and being that are more productive, efficient and fulfilling – essentially they must understand the roots of true innovation, a familiar quest for all leading organizations today.  Not coincidentally, the keys for individuals and organizations to thrive on a permanent basis are very similar to the requirements for sustaining healthy, relevant and ongoing innovation.

1) Remember your core.
Whether the goal is thriving or innovation, both individuals and businesses need to understand and stay aligned with their core. A person who becomes a lawyer for the money and status without having a passion for it might achieve short-term financial success, but over the long-term lose in terms of stress, compensating addictions, and a mid-life crisis because of this misalignment.

Similarly, fostering healthy innovation requires an awareness of what is core to the organization and the ability to resist the temptation to enter new markets simply to feed unrestrained growth. Many organizations mistakenly believe that any innovation is good, and fail to examine whether the innovation supports the core of their business. Both individuals and organizations need to learn that just because something is a good thing, doesn’t mean it is their good thing. Learning to thrive is just as much about which opportunities you choose to let go of, as it is about which you choose to pursue.

2) Strategically address needs to align with your core.
Thriving requires being able to strategically address multiple needs simultaneously in a way that aligns with your core values, talents, purpose and vision. We have so many needs that trying to address each need separately can be overwhelming. If individuals and organizations take the time to look at the big picture, assess their varied needs and create strategies to meet them that align with their core, they will use their energy and resources far more efficiently. Rather than cramming in a 5 am workout by yourself, meet your need for physical activity and your value of family by finding ways to make exercise a family activity. In the same way, organizations that take time to look at the big picture and coordinate initiatives will avoid having separate departments working at cross-purposes or duplicating efforts.

3) Consider the common good. We may be tempted to criticize those who “rain on the parade” of new technology or innovations, but we must recognize that no action is without consequences; we owe it to ourselves, and those who rely upon us, to exercise precaution. Rather than getting caught in the struggle of “either/or” dilemmas, those companies and individuals who are able to thrive and innovate over the long term learn how to ask more strategic and inclusive questions that ensure all parties are considered.

4) Don’t stop at the first right answer.
Finally, people and organizations that are thriving and innovative demonstrate tremendous optimism and curiosity. They never stop at the first right answer. They never stop seeking to improve. When they find one way to do something, rather than rushing to implement, they stop and consider, is it really the best way?Even if all of these criteria are met, just for fun they ask, “How else could it look?” The beauty of believing in, and looking for another, right answer is that you always find one.

-Andrea Jacques (aka. kyoseigirl)

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